I guess the logic isn’t too hard to grasp: If someone doesn’t feel sexual attraction or want sex, they must not want anyone else to have sex, right? Only, I’ve never met an asexual who felt this way – we’d much rather sit around talking about dragons (another symbol!) than thinking through shitty ways to treat people.
I consider myself somewhere between sex-repulsed and sex-indifferent, but that doesn’t mean I care at all about what you do or don’t do with your genitals. I mean, I’m a stranger on the internet – wouldn’t it be weird if I cared? If I asked a bunch of prodding questions like, “Has she even had sex?” or “Has she tried pleasuring herself?” or . well, just read the comments on my first piece.
And then there are relationships where the ace partner is willing to have sex because they actually enjoy the sensations, or they like how it makes their partner feel, or any other number of reasons
There’s a difference between not wanting something for yourself and not wanting it for others. If you enjoy sex, go for it! Because consensual sex can be a wonderful thing – which is why some ace people want it, too.
I have never been drawn to cooking shows. To me, seeing someone dice an onion (which is still a food I detest!) is pretty boring. And yet, I’ve watched cooking shows with several dates; it’s not like the occasional irish gay chat room episode upsets me or that I’m physically incapable of sitting down and turning one on (pun totally intended).
Even without sexual attraction, some people are still OK having sex or even want it, because attraction is not the same as desire or libido. Plus, relationships are about compromise, and to continue the food comparison, for some ace people, having sex is like eating a cracker. They don’t need to eat it, but they’re not against eating it. For others, it’s more like eating ice cream when they’re not hungry – they don’t crave the ice cream, but they can still enjoy the experience. In my case, sex is more like . well, onions. It’s just not my thing.
But the thing is, I meant that literally. I’ve tried two ace dating apps so far, and both had maybe five people within a 50-mile radius of me. And those aces who were “near” had little to nothing in common with me.
So, yeah, you can definitely date other aces. But you can date allosexuals, too, and still make your relationship work. In some cases, the allo partner is fine not having sex. Or the partners agree to a poly or open relationship, one in which the ace partner is the primary partner but the allo partner has sex with other people.
In my previous article, I said options were limited when it came to dating other aces
Each relationship looks different, but communication and trust are serious, core parts of all of them. These traits take time and effort to develop and nurture. And people can be together in spite of differences.
So, as a somewhat sex-repulsed asexual, you might be wondering how I approach this aspect of a relationship. But that’s the thing – I’ve never even been able to have this discussion. Because nearly every time I’ve dated someone allo, they’ve lost interest based on their assumptions as soon as they learned I was ace. And on the few occasions when I didn’t mention being ace, when I tried to act like I was cool with things I didn’t want, I wound up ending things myself (or stopping them before they really started), because I was uncomfortable.